Friday, March 04, 2005

although it has been a few days ever since the release of my O level results, i'm still dawdling over it. i juz can't seen to get over the shocking 'news'. i've been trying to keep my mind preoccupied by gg for the photography course, watching tv, sleeping unnecessarily n eating non-stop. but when i'm not doing anything, i start to think abt my results n getting upset n frustrated wif myself. why did my results turned out like this? maybe I shld have studied even harder?


to make me feel even worse, i tot the course wld maybe help liven up my spirits a bit. but instead, it put me even down den i am. the course was not what i had imagined it wld be. i had to learn 'stuffs' which i did not think that were necessary. 'stuffs' such as learning how to pose wif feelings, connections and dance wif style. ahhh!! yes... i can take criticisms in order to improve myself. but i have my limits. who doesn't? who can take non-stop criticisms aiming at u? plus asking me to open up my feelings, that wld be difficult. the percentage of me opening up that easily is low, real low. firstly, posing is seriously not my cup of tea. secondly, i'm the type whose feelings wld not for whatever purpose and open up, whether for posing or not. thirdly, i have asked God before to make me strong in terms of my feelings. in other words, i only know how others feel through their facial expressions or actions unless u are close to me or it's self-inflicted. this course has indeed taught me lots of new 'things'. but having the feelings to pose n such , one cannot force it. if u dun haf, means u dun haf.


*sigh* 'give up' and 'failure' these words do not exist in my dictionary and are not my type of character. so...this will be my first time i'm going to use these words on myself. i'm a failure n i give up. i give up whatever hopes i haf for ym. i give up on my views n suggestions. the next two things i really, really feel like almost giving up already are the photography course and Envision. i seriously can't take it anymore esp since i gotten my results. yes...you may think i've gone out of my mind. but i dun care. the bottom line is 'I GIVE UP!!!'

Dre@my JeSs Life Written @ 4:45 PM