Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Lost. Confused. Demoralized. Words describing how I feel at work.

The MarComm colleague is about to leave in 2 days time and reality seems to be sinking in deeper and deeper. Not so much about her not being around, but the handover of portfolio and workload. For the first time I've got to admit, I'm not in the mood to work.

The increased workload, challenges, deadlines, intensity, strain on my brain and stress . Not that I'm complaining because I sort of like being busy. But somehow this week, it just feel different and I guess it's because I'm starting to be in the "real world".

Initially when I was notified that I will be taking over the portfolio, I was half-surprised because I know that I'm not qualified nor experience enough. I wanted to ask why but decided not to. On the other hand, I was looking forward to the work challenges that lie ahead and I thought to myself, I can do it! But now, I am doubting myself. I am doubting myself whether I have the capabilities to handle all these. I feel inadequate. I feel lost. I don't have the confidence anymore. I feel scared!!!

When I first started out in this company, I told myself to give my best, add value and prove myself. At the same time, to be myself and treat the people (colleagues) around me as I would treat my friends. And looking back, I believe I have accomplished all!

But then, why do I feel that I'm not being appreciated? Why don't I feel valued? Why do I feel that everything I do is not worthwhile anymore? I don't like this feeling and it is making me feel confuse and miserable. Workload is getting heavier, stress is increasing and I'm feeling more dejected. No matter how much work I put in, it doesn't make a difference. There's no balance. Salary, title and respect just do not tally.

Now that MSN has been banned from use at work, I feel even more disheartened. At times when I feel the stress (or sad), I would be able to release some of it by chatting with my friends but that has not and definitely not affect my productivity. Work still gets done. Now it's a whole new different story. One thing though, I am really thankful for my colleague, Jacqueline, who brings cheer and laughter everyday. Thanks Jacq! You rock! :)

It did occurred to me to quit since my contract has not been renewed and it ends this year. But it is not until now that I should look into this option. A friend has told me to quit and said that I'm still young and have a long way to go. Probably I should consider full-time studies instead of part-time. In that way, it will be less stressful and tedious for me as well.

However being a down-to-earth person, I know that it is not the right time to quit as we are entering a recession period. I don't want to trouble and burden my parents with my expenses because I still have two brothers who are in Secondary school. It's time for me to grow up, be sensible and take responsibility. And I guess it is a plus that the corporate culture in this current company is nice and I get to learn, grow and be challenged. But I know that actually the true reason for my staying is because my boss is pregnant. I don't want her to get stress up or overwork for that matters.

I guess I will just have to press on, endure and see how it goes. Still, I am thankful to God for this job, my boss and colleagues. :)

Dre@my JeSs Life Written @ 10:12 PM